


i actually like it (better broken)

by Enna_Spooky_Trash



Series: The F.O.S Code (one shots) [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Awesome Michelle Jones, But also, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Support Michelle Jones, F/M, Fluff, Hurt Peter Parker, Light Angst, MJ takes in the implications, Mutual Pining, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, One Shot, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Spider-Man Identity Reveal, Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie), Spideychelle, Trauma, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, but like he always is so what's new, of Peter being Spider-man, ya know the drill, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26694715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enna_Spooky_Trash/pseuds/Enna_Spooky_Trash
Summary: "Spider-man... Spider-man was in the final battle against Thanos. Wasn't he?"There is silence. Then Ned says, "oh. You already figured that part out, huh?"MJ had heard of the reports after the great Battle at the Avengers Facility in Upstate, New York. On live tv she had seen the extensive damage, the casualties that had resulted from it... And then she remembers what Peter had told her, albeit in passing - "Mr. Stark left them behind for me."Without thinking she says, "Peter is sixteen."She turns back to Ned, but he only looks at her sadly."You'll get used to that, too."A.K.A. a retelling of the events in FFH but in MJ's head space, wherein she slowly pieces together what being Spider-man meant for Peter Parker, long-time crush: from his lean body, his powers, his status in the Avengers, his trauma during the battle against Thanos, to his grief for Tony. And how she eventually realizes she will forever be obsessed with her web-slinging classmate. One shot
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Series: The F.O.S Code (one shots) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1834165
Comments: 12
Kudos: 182





	i actually like it (better broken)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! It's Enna, and I'm once again back with a Spideychelle one-shot! It's my first year in college,so I might not be back in a long while :'(( but I just had to get this idea out of my head, so here it is! 
> 
> Summary pretty much tells you what it is: During the events in FFH, MJ slowly begins to understand what the implications of Peter being Spider-man are after finding out his secret identity. Peter eventually opens up about the past traumas he experienced, with MJ going "aight yea I love him even more wtf." This is set before the mid-credits scene tho (bec fuck Mysterio, that's why), and everyone so far is happy and in love, the end! :')) Anyway, leave some kudos/comments if you enjoyed the fic! I always love reading those! :3

When Peter first tells her that he is Spider-man, MJ had been pretty sure that she had just... shut down. Stopped functioning completely. Just stood there with her mouth open in that glorious, drowning-death bridge in Prague, while trying to process the fact that her 16-year-old classmate-- that scrawny, timid kid from her academic decathlon team-- had just admitted that he is, essentially, a super-hero.

And, well technically speaking MJ _did kinda_ knew this all along, so it really shouldn't have been _that_ surprising, and this admission just proves that maybe most of her outlandish theories might actually have some kind of merit -- _but holy fuck_.

This was not the way she thought the date was going to turn out.

"W-wait... You're... you're b-being serious right now?"

Peter nods quickly. "Mhhmm."

"Y-you're not joking with me, like you're a hundred percent serious!? 'Cause it's not funny."

He almost looked apologetic. "No, I'm not joking."

 _He is not joking_. The voice in her head sounded hysterical, and honestly MJ could almost sympathize with it, because that was probably the only coherent phrase that her mind could string up right now. _No MJ, he is not, in fact, joking. Your classmate is actually telling you that he swings around in a red and blue suit to fight crime with the use of his synthetic webbing that is based on a spider and he is not joking, and you know he isn't joking because you believed it yourself...you made the theory yourself, although--_

"Listen, I was only like 67% sure!" MJ blurts out. She agitatedly tucks her stray curls unto the back of her ear. She is slowly starting to lose her cool, which is bad. MJ _never_ loses her cool.

"You are Spider-man," she is saying. And then, " _Oh my god, you are Spider-man!_ "

"MJ--"

"How did you even become--? W-why did you--? Why are you here?! Why are you on this school trip? Did you--?!"

"MJ, look I know you have a lot of questions, but we really have to get out of here, okay?" He sounded panicked. It is only then does MJ realize that Peter seems to be freaking out as well, although she cannot help but think that it wasn't because he had revealed his secret identity to a schoolmate (well -- _date_ , she corrects herself, but whatever.) There is a frantic look in his eyes, and he is gripping that hologram projector so tightly that his knuckles have already gone white.

It's almost like he is... scared.

_"I am Spider-man... And I really messed up."_

_Why is Spider-man scared?_

"O-Okay," she relents, because honestly what else was she supposed to say? "Okay," she repeats, more firmly this time. "Let's go."

Then, as though she cannot help herself, she says, with a slight smile on her face, "I can't believe I figured it out."

Peter only looks stricken.

* * *

In retrospect MJ really hadn't thought of what she would do if Peter ever admits that he is Spider-man.

Now that she thinks about it she really hadn't thought any of this through at all.

It's not that MJ had not planned on confronting Peter about his secret identity. She had actually prepared a fairly comprehensive monologue for that occassion. It roughly starts around the lines of _"I have enough reason to believe that you, Peter B. Parker, are actually the masked Avenger called Spider-man. Before you start denying any of my allegations here is an extensive list of proofs that I have collected._ " And then she would confidently tick every solid evidence off her list.

And if her theory was correct, then Peter would no doubt try to deny everything, but by the time he does that she would already know for sure: Peter had always been a very terrible liar.

If her theory was _wrong_... Well, she could just chalk it up as MJ being MJ. Weren't weird theories and creepy facts always her brand? So she has a contingency plan in the works as well, because after everything's said and done, Peter Benjamin Parker is still one of MJ's only friends, and she actually values his opinions of her. Even more than she lets on.

But then, without any fanfare at all (unless you count the discovery of the projector as one) Peter just... tells her he was Spider-man. That's it. He barely even denied the whole thing.

 _Okay_ , MJ thinks. So that bridge (heh) has been crossed. She could roll with that.

 _But then_ he begins to tell her that he had actually been working closely with Mysterio -- Peter called him Mr. Beck, because Peter is Peter -- and _Nick Fury himself_ to stop these element-wielding monsters from destroying the earth. The reason why they are in Prague? Fury hijacked their school trip to get Peter to the location of the elemental.

And...well, okay, Peter's story --as far-fetched as it is-- wasn't that hard to follow. It's pretty standard hero business, MJ concludes, although she honestly did not quite know how to feel about the former S.H.I.E.L.D director taking control of her school trip to his advantage (she considers this as a huge win though, because it opens up a whole plethora of conspiracy ideas that she could theorize about later).

 _But then_ , in standard, rapid-fire Parker rambling, Peter tells her something about eye glasses and weaponized suits and holographic tricks and semi-empty bars, and it is at this point that MJ had truly lost it.

"E.D.I.T.H. glasses?" she asks blankly; they have arrived at Peter's hotel room, and she watches Peter walk directly towards the windows, barely even closing the door behind him. "What do you mean, E.D.I.T.H glasses? Who's E.D.I.T.H?"

"It's an A.I.," he says, distracted; he was peering through the frosted glass panes, no doubt looking for some sign of danger. "Installed in these retro-glasses. Mr. Stark left them behind for me."

MJ's jaw drops.

"Stark?" she says weakly. "Y-you mean... Iron Man? _The_ Tony Stark?"

Peter's back is turned from her. MJ can see that he has paused in trying to draw the curtains shut, his shoulders suddenly tense. MJ gulps down the lump that has formed in her throat; if she didn't know any better, she might just have touched a nerve.

"Peter, I--"

But he does not seem to be listening; Peter shakes his head and groans in frustration, finally pulling the curtains closed.

"I can't believe I gave Beck those glasses," he mutters. He moves to the other window and draws those curtains, too. "I mean, how can I be that stupid? He's probably spying on me right now, or sending a drone to come and kill me."

He briskly crosses to the other side of the room. MJ stares at him, horrified.

"You had access to _killer_ _drones_?" she whispers.

"Yeah," he is bent over a laptop now, "but I didn't really want them especially after I almost killed Brad."

 _What?_ "You almost killed Brad?!"

Peter slams the laptop shut and takes his phone. God, MJ does not know what's worse: the situation that they are currently in or the matter-of-fact way that Peter had explained it to her. As if he's already too used to the violence and the danger.

 _He probably is,_ the voice in her head reminds her wryly.

Peter suddenly swears. "...I think he tapped my phone."

"Huh?"

"Beck must've tapped my phone. E.D.I.T.H has backdoors to major telecommunication networks."

 _Oh, right. Duh._ "So what are you going to do?"

Peter's brows are furrowed in concentration. He then clenches his jaw, taking his backpack and tossing it to the bed.

"I need my suit, and then I'll have to go to Berlin." He is speaking swiftly now, removing his hoodie as he did so; MJ thinks he might be formulating a plan. "I need to talk to Mr. Fury in person."

He takes off his shirt.

MJ's first thought is only one word, but it is enough, she realizes with increasing mortification, to make her want to slap herself.

_Wow._

She _had_ to clear things up: MJ does not consider herself to be a physical person. To her, curl-ups and raising a George Orwell book up and down to her face were, by all intents and purposes, the same. She just didn't bother with it. Sure, her grades in P.E classes weren't exactly the best, but she puts in enough effort to at least pass the class. She had always thought that appearances are ephemeral and inconsequential: in the end, they do not matter.

Obviously she lied because for the life of her _she could not stop ogling at Peter's shirtless body_.

 _Of course_ she should have seen this coming. Why shouldn't she? Spider-man swings across New York with his synthetic web. Spider-man must have incredible upper body strength to do so. Spider-man does flips and tricks and runs across walls and buildings. Spider-man fights crime. Peter Parker _is Spider-man_. Ergo, it was _Peter_ who had insane strength, who does flips and sommersaults and who swings across New York. So _of course_ his body is athletic. _Of course_ it is well-toned and lean,with just the slightest hint of carved muscle. _Of fucking course._

Peter seems to have noticed the shift in the atmosphere; he freezes, his eyes wide, as though only just realizing that he had stripped off his shirt right in front of her. For a moment they stare at each other; to MJ's horror, heat begins spreading across her cheeks.

Oh god. _She's blushing in front of Peter_ _Parker._

That finally shakes her out of her stupor. With a weird mix of shame and bravado, MJ clears her throat and looks away.

That doesn't mean she didn't want to look back.

She could hear him behind her, hear the rustle of clothing being removed and put on, and briefly she wonders how he could have hid all that muscle. Did _no one in Midtown Tech_ actually notice the built that he has? Were they _that_ oblivious?

_I think Peter might be a male escort._

_Ah._ Thank you, Susan. That one makes so much sense now.

But...did it? MJ thought that if she could just confirm her theory then she would finally be at peace. That it would finally stop consuming her so much she would lie awake at night trying to fit all the pieces together. And yet here she is, mind reeling at the thought of Peter having _that kind_ of physique, because Peter... _is Peter._ Peter is the timid boy who says sorry everytime he feels like he has done something wrong. Peter is the Physics whizkid of the academic decathlon team, who once helped them won the competition because of some random, niche trivia he had picked up from all the sci-fi movies he watched, but could not, in any way, shape or form, dodge the balls Flash hurls towards him during gym class. Peter is not exactly a social butterfly; he would just sit by Ned, quiet but observant, and yet in rare moments she would see him crack the softest of smiles, see his eyes light up with enthusiasm, and immediately she would feel her heart skip a beat, _because that's Peter Parker._ MJ had known him since they were thirteen, and that was how she had always seen him, one way or another. _Peter Parker_ is such a far cry from _Spider-man the Avenge_ r; MJ could barely reconcile the two together.

She is suddenly glad that the cascade of curls framing her face did a pretty good job of hiding the fact that she's been trying to peak at him undressing for the last few minutes. She shivers to think how _that_ conversation was going to go.

Sighing, she glances towards the very-open door...

and spots a flabbergasted Ned.

_Speaking of unwanted conversations..._

_A_ few more minutes later, MJ feels her mind go haywire again.

So far she had learned that:

a. When Peter said _suit,_ he didn't mean the classic red-and-blue Spider-man suit in New York. It was a tight-fitting black one, and immediately she experiences some sort of whip lash upon seeing it; it was the same suit the _Night Monkey_ had worn during the battle against the fire elemental.

b. Ned referred to the suit as a "costume for the Prince's castle."

c. Ned _knows_ Peter is Spider-man. Probably even longer than her.

d. She had _accidentally_ (not that Ned needed to know that) uncovered a possible sabotage done by Mysterio.

She is starting to think that this overload of information was going to overwhelm her soon; one more and she might as well start screaming.

She sees Ned's dumbstruck face, and can't help but think he feels the same way.

"So," he says slowly, "you guys were like... Working the case together, or?"

MJ shrugs. "It's been mostly me." (And it wasn't like it _was a lie_ , anyway.)

Ned looks even more confused than ever.

Before any of them can say anything, though, Peter (Spider-Man? _Night Monkey?_ ) turns to his best friend. "Ned," he says seriously, " I need you to call May, get her to call Mr. Harrington and say she wanted me to stay with family in Berlin until this all blows over, okay?"

Ned nods. "Got it. Easy."

 _Wow._ MJ raises an eyebrow."You guys lie with such ease."

Peter does not answer her. He moves towards a window and wrenches the curtains open, revealing the incoming dawn. "Gotta go."

"Wait!" MJ takes the projector from the bed and tosses it to him. "You're gonna need this."

Peter catches it deftly. His eyes behind the mask are hard and steely. There is charisma that is radiating off him now; at first she thought the new suit looked ridiculous, but on him it looked impressive -- it alluded of explosive capability, formidable determination. He starts speaking, and he almost didn't sound like the Peter she knew.

"Don't tell anyone about this, okay? Anyone who knows is in danger."

And when he brings down the visor, leaps out the window, and swings away with a practiced adeptness, MJ knew.

It just never really sank in until now.

Peter _is Spider-man._

"Yeah... you'll get used to it."

MJ wheels around; Ned is watching her, a curious expression on his face.

She scowls. "What does _that_ mean?"

"Oh, you know," he walks towards the bed and flops down on it, eyes still fixed on the window that Peter leapt out of. "I mean... Since you already know, too and...well, I've known longer but it's not a competition... So..." He takes a deep breath and offers her a strained smile. "You just kinda get used to it, because that's just how Peter is."

That one felt like a punch in the gut. "You think so?"

"Well, yeah." He tilts his head, bemused. "I mean... look what happened tonight. He could've hung out with you at the opera, and that's like his ultimate goal for this vacation.... but he went and fought that monster instead. _"_ He abruptly claps a hand to his mouth, aghast. "Okay, I shouldn't have said that. Can you not mention to Peter that I said that? He's probably going to be annoyed at me for days."

But he shouldn't have worried; MJ hadn't quite caught what Ned had said. She had just thought of something... something that she should have realized sooner...

"Spider-man... Spider-man was in the final battle against Thanos. Wasn't he?"

There is silence. Then Ned says, "oh. You already figured that part out, huh?"

She stays quiet, gazing steadily at him. After a few tense moments, Ned exhales. "Look, Peter really -- _really_ \-- gets super cagey whenever I try to talk to him about it, and I never wanted to push him. All I know was that he was there... and he fought against them."

 _He fought against them._ MJ had heard of the reports after the great Battle at the Avengers Facility in Upstate, New York. On live tv she had seen the extensive damage, the casualties that had resulted from it... She had seen the public memoriam for Iron Man, although the Starks did a much more private ceremony that wasn't for the public eye, mourning with their closest friends and relatives. And then she remembers what Peter had told her, albeit in passing -- _"Mr. Stark left them behind for me."_

She wonders if Peter was invited.

Her gaze drifts towards the open window; the sun is slowly climbing upwards to the sky, ready for a new day, oblivious to the storm of emotions that continued to churn inside of her. She thinks of Peter, of where he must be now, doing his damndest to correct what he feels like a huge mistake. Doing everything that he can to save the world.

Without thinking she says, "Peter is sixteen."

She turns back to Ned, but he only looks at her sadly.

"You'll get used to that, too."

* * *

_You'll get used to that, too._

Maybe that sentence might ring true some day, but _holy shit_ was _that_ not the case a while ago.

For instance, MJ _does not think_ she will ever get used to weaponized, holographic, elemental monsters popping out of the ground whenever she is on a summer vacation. The key word was supposed to be _vacation:_ this is more or less a _Voltron_ nightmare.

Another thing that she might never get used to: death-drones. MJ is no psychologist, but she is at least 89% sure that being followed by death-drones that want to gun you down just because your classmate turned out to be the archnemesis of a fish-bowl-wearing asshole does not exactly do wonders to your mental health. 

(Oh, and she's pretty sure that the Crown Jewels Vault would never look the same again, but that was probably the least of her problems.)

But maybe the one thing that had genuinely shaken her, the one thing that she will _never get used to_ was the tall, large guy in a suit (he says his name is _Happy?_ Why would anyone name themselves Happy?) giving her a shattered, black dahlia necklace. 

It happened when Betty, Ned and Flash had been freaking out as the bangs on the metal doors grew louder and louder. In the commotion Happy had surreptitiously slipped the necklace into her free hand, one that was not holding the huge mace that she had taken inside. MJ had frowned at it in confusion, and then back at the man, who had a grim look on his face.

"What's this?"

"From Spider-man," Happy had grunted. "I told him to take it and give it to you in person but he's stubborn. Always have, and given the situation..." 

Another _BANG_ shook the glass cases inside the vault. Betty shrieked in terror.

"Well, you know..." she saw him swallow. "Just in case."

_Just in case._

_What if...?_

_No._ She tried to push the thought away, but it was invasive, seizing control of every nerve of her body, so much so that it hurt to breathe. _No no no no no no._

The drones retreating did nothing to quell her fear. But it did give her the chance to act on it.

MJ barely heard Happy calling her back, or her friends asking her where she was going. She barely realized that she still carried the mace in one hand, heavy and slipping from her sweaty fingers. She ran as fast as her feet could carry her, pounding through the debris-filled streets of London, vision blurring, one thought drilling into her mind, loud and incessant...

_Please don't let him be dead please dont let him be dead pleasepleasepleaseplease Peter please..._

When she finally spotted him she almost burst into tears.

"PETER!" she screamed, and she didn't care if she sounded hoarse, because at the end of the ruined bridge was _Peter, and he was alive._ He was limping, and she could see the cuts and bruises on his face, but _oh my god he's alive he's alive he's alive._

The hug that she had engulfed him with might have been the tightest one she had ever given. But MJ did not let go, and neither did he; if anything Peter had brought her closer to him, shoulders shaking with the effort. For a moment they just stood there, basking in each other's presence, and she reveled at the touch of him, the feel of his warmth around her body, something she thought she would never be able to experience.

And... well okay, maybe she _can_ get used to this.

She could also probably get used to the kiss, too. 

That one... that one was amazing.

Even now, hours later, MJ is pretty sure she could still feel his lips on hers. She lays on the rickety bed of the room that she had miraculously gotten all for herself (Mr. Dell was only able to get tickets for a midmorning flight, so a very haggard-looking and totally-done-with-this-shit Mr. Harrington trouped them all together to a cheap hotel that wasn't quite far from the airport. Peter had separated ways from them, eventually texting to tell her that Happy had gotten him a hotel room at the other side of the city, and that they are going to meet up in the airport, with Peter pretending he had just arrived from Berlin.)

The Black Dahlia necklace glitters daintily around her neck, and at its shimmer she immediately remembers the scene, letting it replay over and over again in her head; her fingers running through his hair, his hand, firm yet gentle, on her arm. It was a very brief one, and it had taken them two tries before they got it right, but MJ could never forget the breathless exhilaration and utter giddiness that she had felt after. She had never been one to dream about first kisses, but MJ imagined it was everything she would have wished it would be. 

_Tap. Tap._

MJ sits upright, her head whipping towards the glass window. Just outside she sees a blurred figure in a red and black suit, waving jovially at her.

She never thought her grin could be any wider.

She leaps from her bed and runs to the window, lifting it open. "You're unbelievable, Parker."

"Parker? Who's that?" Spider-man's eyes widens with a mechanical chirp; he is dangling upside down by a string of his web, and MJ can almost see the mischievous smirk on Peter's face. "He sounds like a loser." He flips and lands gracefully inside the room. "Which... you know... _I'm_ not."

"Show off." She moves a bit closer, her head tilted coyly to the side. "You're lucky I like you... Although I might like loser Parker just a bit more."

"Oh?"

"Just a bit," she shrugs. "Maybe even a little more."

Spider-man takes off his mask, and, alright, she has to admit it: if she was going to be Spider-man's girlfriend, then _this_ might be her favorite look of his so far. Peter looks ruffled, but not necessarily dishevelled. His curls are artfully tousled, falling to his eyes in tumbles, and he looks at her in a way that she can never tangibly explain: happiness, excitement, shyness all at once. It honestly makes her feel dizzy just thinking about it.

Peter must have felt it too; he is closer now, so close, and vaguely MJ feels his arm on her waist, her hand on his chest, and he leans in, only hesitating for a second, their lips just a hair's breadth away... 

The knock on the door sounded like a gunshot, and they immediately jump apart as if electrocuted.

"Michelle? It's Mr. Harrington!" Their academic decathlon teacher knocks again. MJ rushes to the door, and in her peripheral vision sees Spider-man diving out of her window. Having the briefest vision of Spider-man plummeting comically to his doom, MJ opens the door. "Y-yeah?"

His fist was raised; it looked like he was about to knock again. Mr. Harrington puts it down hastily. "Oh, heh, yes well just doing the nightly rounds. You comfortable in there?"

She nods vigorously. "Mhhm. All good."

"Right well, I thought, you know, since we all had a... _a tough day_ today--" there is a pained expression in his face when he said those words "-- just wanna go around, ask the class if you are up for a little debriefing session? Sit around... talk it all out... I mean, I asked everyone but they haven't shown up yet so..."

"Uh, no, I'll be fine," MJ says. "I'd rather not talk about my trauma in a seedy hotel room that might be bugged, thanks."

She smiles swiftly at Mr. Harrington's dumbstruck face and slams the door shut.

"Peter?" she whispers. She approaches the window before looking down to the curb below, and yelps when she sees Peter's wide, hazel eyes looking up right back at her; he had quite literally stuck to the wall on his hands and feet. 

"Is he gone?" he asks.

She nods. "We can't talk here, though. You might get discovered."

Silence.

"I think this hotel has a rooftop?"

Minutes later they found themselves sitting on the low wall of the rooftop, legs dangling precariously towards the hundred-foot drop below. MJ didn't mind though; she can feel the night breeze, cool and refreshing, as beneath them the streets of London continue to bustle with life. From here she could see the glittering lights of street lamps and passing cars that crisscrossed together, hear the distant sound of an ambulance, and yet it calmed her down, somehow. She thought it is ironic; that the only place she would actually feel like she is in a vacation was the destination that was _never_ in their itinerary. The destination where she thought she was going to die for sure. She suppose that good things _do_ come from unexpected places.

_Just like Peter._

He is quiet now, just by her side, gazing at the city below him as well. It's amazing how comfortable they are with each other's silence. It felt like a snug blanket, cocooning them together, a warm tonic of solace and relief. They barely even noticed that their fingers are already intertwined.

She never thought she'd feel this way for a person before. It was heady and potent, swallowing her whole, and yet MJ does not want to relinquish it. She is... god, she is _obsessed_ with him. At the boy who is timid, and awkward, and brave. At the boy who had held her so tightly because he thought he was going to lose her. At the boy who had apologized because the Black Dahlia necklace is broken, even as he stood there, bruised and hurt and bleeding, after he had saved the world. There are still so many things about Spider-man and Peter Parker that confused her, but MJ does not think she would want it any other way.

"What are you thinking about?"

His voice is soft and gentle, but it takes her a few moments to answer. _I'm thinking about_ you _, Peter. I'm thinking about why you are doing this... How a kid could think that the entire world is in his shoulders and that he has too much of a responsibility to fulfill... I'm thinking about Washington... the Snap... the Blip... Prague... I'm thinking about everything you must have been through, everything... and even after all that you still think that you're not enough..._

But she does not say that. Instead, she says, " how underneath these streets are hundreds of human remains of the victims of the Black Death back in 1347."

He nods, as if that answer is reasonable. "Yeah, at least 150, 000 bodies were buried throughout London in plague pits, right?"

She looks at him, surprised. He grins sheepishly. "I started watching Unsolved."

"Huh," she says. "Spider-man has taste. Who knew?"

"I mean... in the middle of that episode I kinda freaked out so I never really watched another one again... but at least I got that dark trivia right."

MJ laughs, and Peter joins her, and it is so freeing that it took a while for them to subside.

"There's still one unsolved mystery I'd like to know, though," he says, when they had hiccuped themselves back into seriousness. "I've uh... I wanna know what made you realize I am Spider-man so... so I wouldn't... you know... mess it all up again."

_Oh._

She chances a glance at him; he is looking at her expectantly. He really wants to know.

And... of course he did. Peter did not _want_ the world to know he is Spider-man. MJ cannot _imagine_ what would happen if the world finds out that Spider-man is just a 16-year-old kid from Queens. The thought alone gives her shivers.

But... that wasn't why she is hesitating. 

MJ had a plan, see.

And that wasn't even the full list of observations that she would have rattled off if the discovery of the holographic projector hadn't cut her off. That plan was half-baked, out-of-the-blue, borne out of the uncontrollable suspicions that had risen from her ever since the Water Monster in Venice. No, that was only half of it. The original plan was something she had tried to steer herself to do, but had immediately tossed out the second she saw Peter running towards the viaducts, instead of running away with her, Betty and Ned.

"When... When I told you by the bridge that I... I had been watching you for a while? That... that wasn't the entire truth."

She does not know where these words are coming from, but once she had started there is no going back. 

"I've... I've liked you... for a really, _really_ long time now."

Her eyes briefly flit towards Peter; that did not seem to be the answer he had been expecting _at all._

"I couldn't tell you, though," MJ continues. "Five years ago you were... well, you were after Liz, and I am not... _like_ Liz, because how could I be? I'm not _exactly_ homecoming-organizer material, so I just... you know... _watched. 'Not obsessed, just observant.'_ "

He gives a choked laugh at that.

"But... I watched Liz move away... and I thought... is this it? But nope... I just kinda stood there... always... and I've never been that good with getting close to people anyway, so what was the point?"

"And then we went to the field trip to MOMA, and you were suddenly missing from the bus... and... well, everyone knows what happens next," she mutters lamely. 

Peter nods tightly. He _does_ know what happened next.

She inhales. "So after we got back from the Blip, I told myself... this is it. Just tell him and get it over with. But the thing is..." her heart has started to hammer furiously, and she does not meet Peter's gaze. "The thing is... you were never really the same after the Blip."

It's as if time stopped. For some reason her throat is excruciatingly dry, and MJ ducks, staring at her shoelaces, which is swaying against the breeze. No sound, no words. There is nothing as the implication of her statement settled in.

"Oh," Peter says. And then... "oh."

His voice sounds flat; she didn't quite know what to make of it. MJ slowly looks up, but she shouldn't have bothered -- Peter is staring at the distance, eyes glossed over.

"I... uh... you know, I try my best not to think about it?" He does not even argue with her; perhaps he knew that it was useless, that she was too smart for that. "It's been eight months since... since...T-Thanos--" he flinches horribly at the mention of the despot's name, but he carries on "--I had plenty of time to get over it, and it wasn't like I was the only person who lost someone during that fight but..."

He clenches his jaw and looks away, eyes suddenly overbright.

"Mr. Stark had... he had always believed in me. He always thought that I could... be better than him. But I... I don't think I can do that. I mean, god, look at what happened today." He takes a deep, shaky breath. "All I do is just fix the mess that I made, and I try my best to become who he thinks I could be b-but... but I c-can't. No matter how hard I try I can't be that person, because if I was that person then I wouldn't have to lose everyone I've ever loved, and I wouldn't have to put all of you in danger... and people like Mr. Fury want me to step up and take responsibility but... I'm scared. _I'm just... so scared."_

He swallows thickly, and his voice sounds so heart-breakingly vulnerable as he speaks. "Sometimes... sometimes I wonder how it would have turned out... if I haven't gotten my powers... if Uncle Ben would've still been alive, if Tony would still be..." He clears his throat at this, and wipes his face on his sleeve. "God, I'm sorry for rambling, I didn't mean that, it was--"

But exactly what it was MJ never found out; at that moment she reaches out and wraps her arms around him, in an embrace that was so bone-crushing it rivaled the one they shared at the bridge earlier. 

"Oh," Peter breathes, and suddenly she feels his body shake, feels his chest heave; he clings back to her just as tightly, and even then MJ does not let go. She holds on to him as the weight of what had transpired that afternoon, the last few days, hell even the past year, slowly sinks in. She holds on to him as a steady stream of tears begin slipping down his reddened cheeks, and at this her heart shatters to a million pieces, _but she does not let go._

She doesn't think she ever will.

She hears Peter's tremulous, muffled voice, somewhere by her shoulder. "I'm such a dumpsterfire today."

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Spider-man," she says softly. "It wasn't your fault."

At this Peter shakes his head bitterly. "MJ, I dont--"

 _No_ , she decides. She's not going to let Peter's self-sabotaging tendencies get to him again. So for the fourth time that day, MJ leans in and kisses him.

Peter is clearly taken aback like last time, but he melts easily into the kiss now. This one is less awkward, more intimitate, MJ thinks; they had shifted ever closer, still precariously balanced on top of that low wall. Peter's hand is on the back of her neck, on her hair, lips parting and taking, and she realizes that in it, behind the stifled gasps, the gentle caresses, the little touches, she tries to convey what she had always wanted to say, what she wanted him to know, over and over: _You're enough, you're enough, you're enough._

They are both out of breath when they pull apart, their faces only an inch away from each other. A slight smile is playing on Peter's lips.

"That's the second time you shut me up with a kiss," he whispers.

She takes in his red-rimmed eyes, his tear-stained cheeks, and she cups a hand on one side of his face, and at that moment she understands what Ned meant, what Ned had been trying to say all along. Because in front of MJ _is_ _Peter Parker:_ crime-fighting vigilante, Avenger, classmate, _boyfriend. Spider-man._ But the pieces had already fit together. Just like her black dahlia necklace; broken and breath-taking and everything else in between.

And maybe falling for _Spider-man_ is one of the most exhilarating, most terrifying things that she had ever done, but like that moment in the bridge, it is easy for MJ to say what she wanted to say next, before she kisses him again.

_"You'll get used to that, too."_

**Author's Note:**

> I love Spideychelle so much :'(( They're such a cute couple together uwu. Anyway, come holler at me on my tumblr @ ennas-aesthetic if you wanna, and thanks for sticking around! (I also accept requests :>)


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